I hate to be another boring person and tell you how tired I am, but it's true. Long days, short on light, mornings so cold that all you want are another 10 minutes under the sheets, and sleepy morning drives. And still I love Buffalo. 

  I love to write, and the ideas and possibilities that I have are overwhelming. The art of hoping is to not think to lightly about your current position, and too much on the future, but to understand that once you hoped for today to come, and destinations are only in glory. I could use a bit of heaven right now.

 There isn't much to write. Life in itself, for all the reoccuring days and redundencies (lack of current adventure) isn't bad in the long run. I long for a new adventure, but forget the one that I am in presently. School isn't very exciting by itself, but I love the lust for learning and the accomplishment of doing. College, the scary thing, has well worn its welcome in. 67 credits to date, 73 to be by the end of the month, and then another 4 courses over the winter to take me to magical 87, which will put me in the 33-to-go bracket, which is one calandar year of school for the program I plan to complete. A Bachelors degree. It is so much work and still, for a complete college degree, 2 and a half years of hard work isn't bad. I truely doubt I will leave it at that. One day, I will take the MCAT. I have no plans for med school. I just want to take the MCAT. A good score might tickle my thoughts, but sometimes I just want to do a certain something just because. I have a list - three pages of sacred hopes - from which I form many actions, in pursuit of gaining a checkmark and grand smile. I have added 2 to the list in recent years, and knocked off a good many more than that. So much left to do. Life is a long, tiring adventure.

  I do love adventure. Now my list says nothing about taking care of the daily business of life, but I cannot do much about that...it is life, and the hard metal framwork of life gets in the way of the grand pursits, the lovely things I would do if I had a million dollars. Adventure drives me farther than most other things. Conquering, becoming, knowing and finding more and more truth, is worth much. I wonder about the costs. Money is a reality. Costs are everywhere. As Franklin once said, "An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest". Franklin was very wise, very in touch with reality. He also found a way to make the best of things, especially, and with likely the most difficulty, people.

I'm too tired to think much more

" To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did".

It's been long since I've written.

There have been a couple things going through my mind. Change has come quickly. Things are not what they seem here, not on planet Earth, not in my world. I think often for what happens next, what can be expected, if we can expect anything. It's strange how perspective is so strong and powerful to who we are, who we think we are, what is what or isn't what we think it is. It's like defining success for yourself. They say that in investing, success in investing is not losing anything. Remaining at status quo is often a big deal. Huh.

 I think of things in good or bad, strong or weak. Right and wrong. I often think of what goes on around me, and assume incorrectly. I assume that some people who look happy are indeed happy. I assume that someone where they are is where they want to be. I wonder what others think of me sometimes. I wonder why I do.

A difficult time isn't always bad. Hard times are just as important as the lazy weekends. No doubt of which kind of life we would choose if we could tailor our lives according to our wishes, a million dollars and all, but here's what I'm learning. Nothing great can last forever, nothing bad either. Leisure and joy has it's downfalls like laziness, sin can creep in, reality can seem twisted and hollywood seems like a comfortable friend. Hard work, for all the long nights and tired muscles and minds, strengthens the body, gives knowledge, and calls us to need for God, most especially. I think that's the best part. When we have "made it", usually by "we" we mean "I", and making it may not be all we think it is. And God might get shown the guest room and retire from our living rooom. What is faith lend us if not trust in the future for something out of our control. 

I really like control. I like making the purchase, doing my own research and standing on my own two feet

 I DONT LIKE LETTING SOMEONE ELSE DRIVE. I want the wheel. I find no interest in following. I think it simple and meek to accept another's word on something just because they said so. If it's right, I want to know why. If we can get there, I want the wheel. I want the ball. I feel like I'm in second place when I'm not leading things up. I unconsciously tell myself that I can do it best, and know the best way. If I don't know, I dont what to stay there. I want I know how to get there, and please stand back.

There are things going on that are out of my control. Things I care about, and things I don't know enough about.

I'm waiting and letting God drive right now and it's not really good. He's taking all the wrong turns. Where does this ride go? What next? I wonder if I'll look back and wonder (5 years from now) why we wasted 5 years aimlessly circling. Or if (5 years from now) I'll have lived 5 great years of purpose and service for a cause greater than I. This life puzzles me.

Psalm 139

 ¹ O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
 ² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
         You understand my thought afar off.
 ³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
         And are acquainted with all my ways.
 ⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
         But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
 ⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
         And laid Your hand upon me.
 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
         It is high, I cannot attain it.
         
 ⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
         Or where can I flee from Your presence?
 ⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
 ⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
         And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 ¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
         And Your right hand shall hold me.
 ¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
         Even the night shall be light about me;
 ¹² Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
         But the night shines as the day;
         The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
         
 ¹³ For You formed my inward parts;
         You covered me in my mother’s womb.
 ¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
         Marvelous are Your works,
         And that my soul knows very well.
 ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
 ¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
         And in Your book they all were written,
         The days fashioned for me,
         When as yet there were none of them.
         
 ¹⁷ How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How great is the sum of them!
 ¹⁸ If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
         When I awake, I am still with You.
         
 ¹⁹ Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
         Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
 ²⁰ For they speak against You wickedly;
         Your enemies take Your name in vain.
 ²¹ Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
         And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
 ²² I hate them with perfect hatred;
         I count them my enemies.
         
 ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
         Try me, and know my anxieties;
 ²⁴ And see if there is any wicked way in me,
         And lead me in the way everlasting.

I like this alot. What it tell me, is that God knows me. More deeply, he understands me.

It was likely on facebook, on a silly test or quiz or "what personality are you", that someone used this word. They called me "misunderstood". Never before had I had such instant love and appreciation. Someone had finally understood that I was misunderstood. And nothing pleased me more.

For me, I would say that one of the things I value most is to be understood. I want my thoughts, values and efforts to mean to someone else what they mean to me. And I want that person to like who I am, what I am, and what they understand. O Lord, please dont let me be misunderstood.

Someone else just called me cynical and "rarely happy". I felt pretty misunderstood. Just because I don't drool with joy doesn't mean I'm not peachy and warm inside. I'm introverted, for sure. I think there are many stupid and unworthwhile things around, and I'm not shy about talking about them and sharing my opinion, but I do admire Dr. House so perhaps cynacyism is a fair judgement. I'm not a brittle little turd leaking hatred inside though. And cynacysm is a sibling of sarcasm, and I do speak that fluently.

I want to be understood. And according to Psalm 139, God understands. He knows this child more than a parent. And a mother or father has seen their child from an ariel view for a young lifetime. God; what he must know about me. How he must truely love me, how he must see past my mistakes to the heart, how he must know when I hurt others, where that hurt began in me. How he must see through my faults, into who he made me to be. He knows my potential. And he doesn't even care. He just loves me.

And he thinks about me. "Countless, like the sand, are his thoughts towards me". God now that is something. He really, truely cares. At one time or another, I have felt like any person who I thought would always be there has cut me deeply, suprisingly, or turned their shoulder against me. My actions have been misunderstood into horrible works, uncaring acts, or dull callousness. But never once has God seen me and thought less of me. Through love, he believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. He's the kind of guy I've wanted to be. I get so far with it, and when the world turns on you, friends drop away, or even family turns cold, it's the heaviest load in the world to carry to try and just take the hit and keep smiling. There is, I believe, a great misconception about men. It is assumed, I assume, that they are careless, callous, and emotionless, or lacking to a great degree.

Fact: Men have feelings, just as a real as womens. They deal with them differently, hold them inside better, and most of all for the sake of upholding the form of manliness, pretend they don't really care of feel. It's something our world has screwed up over time. There's alot our world has mucked up. I don't want to get into that.

 
 I feel alone quite often, honestly. Uncared for, or looked over. That is no call for sympathy. It's a fact, one that I know God understands, and yes, There is nothing I would like more than to feel that someone understands too. That I'm not misunderstood. I've had to do some hard things in the past months. Decisions that have made people question me, (made me question me) and that have wondered are even worth it. In the name of progress, of sanity, of positive outcome and delayed gratification, I am where I am today, which is, at least, not where I had thought I would be some time ago. God has been there along my diverted path; he knows. God understands.

I saw this today, and liked it. I learned a bit about myself;

"You are your own worst enemy. You waste precious time dreaming of the future instead of engaging in the present. Since nothing seems urgent to you, you are only half involved in what you do. The only way to change is through action and outside pressure. Put yourself in situations where you have too much at stake to waste time or resources - if you cannot afford to lose, you won’t. Cut your ties to the past; enter unknown territory where you must depend on your wits and energy to see you through. Place yourself on “death ground,” where your back is against the wall and you have to fight like hell to get out alive." -The 33 Strategies of War